June | 2015 | THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID

Monthly Archives: June 2015

Ask Kaira: Golden Showers or Nah?

Dear Kaira,
How do I find a girl interested in golden showers?
Sincerely,
All Washed Up
 ♦
Dear All Washed Up,

Try scamming R Kelly’s Tinder matches. 
Sincerely,
Asparagus Enthusiast
 ♦
Dear Asparagus Enthusiast (oh so wonderful smelling),
As much as I would enjoy that precious list, it is rather, unfortunately, out of reach. Might there be a more local, or realistically obtainable, source for the glorious activity? Perhaps you would be interested?!?
Kind regards,
Wishing Well
 ♦
Dearest Wishing Well,

While I do think you’re on the right track, cruising Craigslist and all, perhaps your search would be better spent in a category other than strictly platonic. Unless, of course, standing/sitting/laying under a shower of urine is indeed a platonic activity. This is truly out of my realm of expertise. My only suggestion would be to set up shop on a beach known for jellyfish stings and keep your fingers crossed for a bathing beauty. Or a bathing ugly, if you’re desperate. 
All the Best,
Not Even A Trickle

Ask Kaira: Barking Up the Wrong Tree

Dear Kaira,

Hi, I’m single and have been for a while now, but I’ve dated my share. Why do women have so many pets? So many that they can’t take care of them properly. Like, they stink, they shed and they puke and poop all over. It blows my mind.*

Sincerely,

Barking Up the Wrong Tree

 

Dear Barking,

I feel it must be said that using the cast archives of The Animal Planet’s “Animal Hoarding” is not an effective dating tool. If you are for some reason limited to scamming for chicks (see what I did there?) at the local PetCo, or are under house arrest at your neighborhood Humane Society, perhaps there are a few red flags you can be on the lookout for. If a prospective bed-partner has no limbs with which to clean up after hypothetical pets, head for the hills. You certainly wouldn’t want to get stuck helping out around the house. Surely, tending to children and pets is women’s work. Even if that woman is merely a torso. The construction of your original letter leaves me confused about who is doing the shedding, puking, stinking and pooping, so I’ll just hope that if it’s the lady in question, you’d know before you stick it to her. Because of course, sticking it to a lady is a modern betrothal. Once that happens, you might as well weave those fur-tumbleweeds into a set of wedding rings. You’re moving in. Hope that helps!

Sincerely,

Kaira

 

*(Original inquiry came from Craigslist and has been edited for spelling, grammar and overall understandability.)

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Ask Kaira: Office Youths

Dear Kaira,

I enjoy working in my small “office”, there are only 7 of us, that’s within a larger company. Most of the people are younger than me, and they are constantly gossiping about other people in the company. We’re all college graduates, but they make me feel like I’m in high school again. I’ve been doing my best to ignore them and not get involved, but it seems like it’ll never stop. What can I do or say to stop this annoying behavior?

Sincerely,

Annoyed Adult

 

Dear Annoyed Adult,

I’m sure you’ve heard the old adage, “If you can’t beat them, join them.” My suggestion is that you jump into the gossip-pond and do a giant cannonball all over their youthful exuberance. Make stuff up and spread it around like crabs in the 80s. (“I got it from a toilet seat, I swear!”) If possible, speak to them only in quotes from Gossip Girl, and end everything you say/send to them with, “xoxo, Gossip Girl”. If that doesn’t work,  you could also try making veiled threats in the vein of, “Pretty Little Liars”. I assume youths only respond to material from ABC Family Teen Dramas. And my assumptions are usually correct. To really drive the point home, I suggest marching up to the head gossip-monger and looking him/her dead in the eyes while reciting a juicy (and made up) tidbit you heard about them. Don’t pretend you think it’s about someone else. Use their name. This is akin to beating up the scariest dude in the cafeteria on your first day of school as a sniveling 13-year old boy. Hope that helps!

Sincerely,

Kaira

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