Red Carpet Pre-Show
-Florence Welch is asked who she’s wearing – did she say Gucci or Patchouli?
-This is the first time I’m seeing Charlie Puth. I’m pretty sure he had his brother killed by a stampeding pack of wildebeests. Because. He has a scar.
-I keep thinking Ross’s voice belongs to Giuliana and getting genuinely confused when I hear him/her talk about eating things.
-Big Sean: “That’s that daddy look right there.” WUT?! I guess I have to marry Big Sean now that I’m pregnant with his word-baby.
-Demi Lovato’s business casual power suit couldn’t help her learn the difference between “melody” and “medley”.
-Demi, who are you wearing? “Oh, it’s Murphy Brown for JC Penney”.
-Ellie Goulding is literally Donna Martin of 90210 Fame.
-She’s the “before” version of Tori Spelling.
-Watching Meghan Trainor interact with her dad gives me a lot of insight into why she’s so confused about what feminism is.
-I can’t tell if they’re rapid-fire saying “slit” to be funny or if they really don’t realize.
-Ariana Grande is a Toddler in Tiara gone rogue.
-If Sam Smith and Adele speak to each other I’ll actually implode.
-Who wore it better: Pharell or Amber Rose? Trick question. Sisqo.
The Big Show
-Grateful for the little things, like not being able to hear T-Swift’s vocals in her Lion King song.
–Why is Swifty singing “The Circle of Life” in a Vidal Sassoon commercial? ”hingwinyamahingwinyamabala”
-Someone backstage keeps cringing and turning Tay’s mic down.
-Adele and Lionel Richie said ‘hello’ to each other and now there’s nothing else I have to witness before I die.
-Prediction: Stephen Colbert casually mentioning that he should be wearing a coat is the biggest laugh of the night.
-O’Shea Jackson Jr. or Drake after a plentiful Canadian Winter?
-These football guys look like they’re being forced to present at gunpoint.
–Taylor’s haircut and unwavering enthusiasm give off a very “I collect porcelain dolls” vibe.
–If Carrie Underwood and Sam Hunt abruptly switch to singing “Picture” right now, it would be seamless…Karaoke at the Grammys.
–Ariana Grande introducing The Weeknd was like a lifetime of uncomfortable dad jokes condensed into 30 unbearable seconds. It’s a good thing she had that giant microphone to completely disappear behind.
-I forgot to have thoughts about The Weeknd because the performance was soooo good.
–Ellie Goulding wins the Grammy for best rendition of a song moments after completing the Kylie Jenner lip challenge.
-I was wrong. Chris Stapleton protecting his masculinity by making sure we all remembered that the glitter came from Swift was the funniest line of the night.
-The Lionel Richie homage…I’d give up all of my worldly possessions and subsist on only John Legend singing me “Easy Like Sunday Morning”.
-When Lionel Richie first recorded “Hello”, he was speaking as Demi Lovato’s side boob.
-If Luke Bryan doesn’t awkwardly twerk, an angel loses its wings.
–Lionel Richie subtly texts his manager, “Who’s Luke Bryan?”
-Is that Meghan Trainor or are the Judds still a thing?
-Forcing a singalong to “All Night Long” is a good way to passive aggressively single out anyone over the age of 40.
-Little Big Town’s “Girl Crush” as a Craigslist ad: “Poly FFMM group seeks blonde SWF for…harmonizing”.
-I’m so excited about Pentatonix that I can’t even think of a joke about Kirstie’s Flintstones costume.
-Oh no. Why is everyone letting this happen? Quick, get Ryan Seacrest up there to give Stevie a high five. #AmericanIdoljokes
-Seeing Ed Sheeran in a suit is really offputting. Not offputting enough to stop me from forcibly snuggling him, but offputting nonetheless.
-Pretty sure the announcer is voiced by Anna Kendrick’s grandma. “…and a wonderful singer…”
-I don’t have any idea who Tori Kelly or James Bay are. That’s what happens when you listen to nothing but Adele’s album for three solid months.
-Oh. I guess I’m the world’s biggest Tori Kelly fan, now.
-James Bay or Jesse Camp, that guy who won the MTV VJ contest in 1998?
-Insta-goosebumps for Hamilton.
-That guy was definitely a dancer on SMASH or…something SMASH-like.
-Pretty sure Pharell has been sucking the youth out of Don Cheadle like a Hocus Pocus Witch.
-I really have to pee but I can’t because I’m pretty sure this Kendrick Lamar performance is going to be talked about for the rest of our lives and I need to say, “I saw it happen live”.
-You can’t just go from Kendrick’s fire performance to Seth McFarlane’s literal Ken Doll face, you need a buffer.
-I feel like I had plenty of time to figure out who Miguel is, I just blatantly didn’t.
-Bruno Mars is like if a California Raisin was even smaller.
-ADELE IS IN RED?! WHAT IS THIS?! SHE’S SINGING MY FAVORITE SONG ON THE ALBUM, SHE KNOWS I’M WATCHING!
-Whoever is fucking up the sound during this performance isn’t just fired, they’re dead. Off with their head.
-Her stage fright is so adorable and why can’t we just be best friends?
-This performance is not her best but I swear to Gos if anyone else says that I’ll say so many mean things about them as a person. In hashtags.
-Up next: Biebs with Skittles and Dido. I don’t understand most of these words.
-Being a DJ has always seemed masturbatory to me. But I guess it’s more of a hand job thing. Jack U? They’re called “Jack You”?
-If they pan to Selena I’m leaving and I’m only coming back in when the rest of Biebs’ mustache does.
-Bieber’s Miami-cocaine look is making Aaron Carter look like the poster boy for whole milk.
-I’d still go see him in concert, though. I’m not dead inside.
-Why do I suddenly have a craving for a pizza lunchable and a Capri Sun?
-But for real, how old does Biebs have to be before it’s fine for me to be honest about wanting to sleep with him?
-Meghan Trainor took the Grammy for best new artist? AND they’re using “Dear Future Husband” as the example? I’m worried about her. I think someone nominated her as a joke or something.
-Gaga honoring Bowie feels the rightest out of anything that’s ever been right in this world.
-This was always meant to be. Stefani Germanotta was created specifically to do a Bowie tribute.
-My life has been a black hole of meaningless nothing in the absence of Gaga. Come back to us, Mother Monster!
-Alabama Shakes is a name I’ve heard a lot but just assumed was some sort of pork or chicken coating.
-The Hollywood Vampires seems like it’s going to be really embarrassing. Like when your dad sings Bob Seger songs at karaoke.
-I always forget that Alice Cooper is a real person and not just a character with a wealth of Native American knowledge from Wayne’s World.
-It took me way too long to figure out which one was Johnny Depp.
-Why do I get the feeling they’re going to majorly creep out a hotel cleaning lady later?
-Hollywood Vampires have to give 10% of their profits to their manager, Tim Burton.
-That’s not eyeliner, it’s cataracts.
-Daryl from The Walking Dead on drums.
-At least those of us watching at home don’t have to politely act interested in the piano recital portion of the evening.
-This in memoriam is shocking. I had no idea so many people were still making a living in the music industry.
-1989 as best album of the year? I quit. I’m not sure what I quit, but I quit.
-Oh, no she didn’t. Is that a Kanye dig?! TAYLOR! I can’t wait to follow the impending twitter-fight.