Ask Kaira: Barking Up the Wrong Tree

Dear Kaira,

Hi, I’m single and have been for a while now, but I’ve dated my share. Why do women have so many pets? So many that they can’t take care of them properly. Like, they stink, they shed and they puke and poop all over. It blows my mind.*


Barking Up the Wrong Tree


Dear Barking,

I feel it must be said that using the cast archives of The Animal Planet’s “Animal Hoarding” is not an effective dating tool. If you are for some reason limited to scamming for chicks (see what I did there?) at the local PetCo, or are under house arrest at your neighborhood Humane Society, perhaps there are a few red flags you can be on the lookout for. If a prospective bed-partner has no limbs with which to clean up after hypothetical pets, head for the hills. You certainly wouldn’t want to get stuck helping out around the house. Surely, tending to children and pets is women’s work. Even if that woman is merely a torso. The construction of your original letter leaves me confused about who is doing the shedding, puking, stinking and pooping, so I’ll just hope that if it’s the lady in question, you’d know before you stick it to her. Because of course, sticking it to a lady is a modern betrothal. Once that happens, you might as well weave those fur-tumbleweeds into a set of wedding rings. You’re moving in. Hope that helps!




*(Original inquiry came from Craigslist and has been edited for spelling, grammar and overall understandability.)


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