Douches At Sea: A Lengthy Rant

Cabins for the 2017 New Kids on the Block Cruise are selling fast, admittedly, mostly to women reliving their glory days of boyband-loving and carefree bopping. Some of them bring their husbands, some of them leave everything about their real life behind, but all of them come to escape and to be a huge dork of a fan with three thousand other huge fan dorks. It’s a safe space. Except if there’s a selfie on the table, obviously. Then it’s every woman for herself. I’ll cut a bitch–I mean, a Blockhead Sister.

However, there are a few single (presumably straight) men who have caught wind of the idea of a boat full of hormonally charged women, hoping to get near one of five famous guys for 4 days straight, and they’ve taken advantage. It’s mostly innocuous, like my friends the Scots. Sure, I assumed they were sexual predators at first, but they were nothing but nice to me and never even tried to touch my boobs. They just talked to me like I was a human person. You know, because I am. But there was another gruesome twosome. The “Firemen”. Oh, the firemen. I’m sure you remember them stirring up lady-boners in the Cruise-groups on Facebook, by simply posting that they are in fact single men who will be on the cruise. The frenzy is understandable. In an isolated situation, even if you’re Patton Oswalt’s literal twin, you can catch some V. Because there’s no context. If you’re an attainable single man surrounded by women who have been squirming in their boyband-adjacent seats for three days, you’re gonna clean up.

Unless you’re a disgusting asshole, like our pal Tim (the short one). Because. We’re women first and foremost. Sure, we’re fangirls. We’re a little crazy. I’ll admit that. But we are humans who have every right not to like you. You are not guaranteed a vagina just because you paid money to be a cougar-hunter. It’s not a safari. It’s a niche-fandom chartered cruise, you fucking douche. Yeah. I’m switching it up and speaking right to you now. Because it seems like you have a lot of anger toward women. You know, like someone who feels entitled to women’s bodies has. It’s called rejection-rage. And it’s a particularly scary form of misogyny. Because, as you like to remind people constantly, you’re a former Marine, right? And a firefighter. So, you must have a ton of muscled power underneath your generic “bro” wardrobe, right? So, you could theoretically hurt us, if you really wanted to, right? Which it seems like you do.

Not an isolated post.

Not an isolated post.

You post a lot of angry things about women. Or so I’ve heard. I’m not friends with you on Facebook, thank god. But that’s because my profile picture failed to lift your dick while you were scrolling through, jotting down serial killer notes about who you were for sure going to nail on the ship, right? Right. It’s cool, man. I’m not for everyone. And certainly not for you. But I know a few women you DID jot down and contact prior to the cruise. And I also know that those women did not actually fuck you. I’m sure you must be so hurt and confused about that. Especially while your friend basically just had to walk through a group of girls and could end up with three unwanted pregnancies. You had to actually try. And you failed. Hard. A lifetime of that has to be pretty rough on a guy. But the thing is. That’s not our fault. It’s yours. You literal troll.

I’m not sure what your background is, or what trials and tribulations you’ve had to overcome as an affluent, straight white male in America (must be tough), but obviously you haven’t had access to proper education, so allow me to break a few things down for you. First, it’s 2017. I feel like you aren’t sure in which decade you’re living because of the “most girls bang on the first date” comment. I sometimes bang without a date. What a slut, right? But you know, I guess it’s because I like sex but don’t generally like the company of men. I wonder why that is? Maybe it’s because fuckboys like you refer to us as if we’re a species of domesticated animal. In heat? Really? And, please, for my own peace of mind, which sexual organs are you referring to? The ones that are at “max stimulation”, that is. I can assure you I’m not walking around with an engorged clitoris at the mere prospect of new NKOTB opportunities. And even if I were (Ed Sheeran has gotten me there this week, not going to lie) that has absolutely nothing to do with you or whoever it is you’re “schooling” via your Trump-esque Facebook posts, you thin-skinned delusional narcissist.

So, my little Trump-dicked friend, I’ll be using all my energy to send into the universe to hope upon hope that you are stupid enough to strut onto that boat again this year. Do it. Because I’ll be there. And I fucking dare you.

22 thoughts on “Douches At Sea: A Lengthy Rant

  1. Sarah L. says:

    O. M. G. THIS IS GLORIOUS. “Trump-dicked friend”

  2. Christina says:

    If i had a penis i would totally marry you.

  3. April says:

    I hope the tool bag reads this. It’s so obvious he has a lil dick.

  4. Candace Reid says:

    Stumbled on this from another blockhead but as a blogger I am hooked, new sub for sure!

  5. Lisa says:


  6. Tawnya Dunlavy says:

    Omg! Love it!

  7. Becky says:

    This is fabulous. Thank you so much! Share and share again!

  8. Jillian Roth says:

    OMG this!

  9. Mary says:

    What a clown how old is he ??

  10. NKOTBitch says:

    OMFG! This is pretty much the best thing I’ve read in a long while. I don’t even have a favorite part, just ALL of it!

  11. Jennie says:

    Love this! I saw this earlier and about had a heartache! He’s probably just trying to make it sound like he “was the man” on the boat and getting all these women! Maybe he did try to hook up with a girl or two but when he pulled his pants down they probably just laughed and walked out! What a jerk. He’s dumb if he shows up cause I know all my blockhead sisters will push him overboard!

  12. John Doe says:

    Before I start, please let it be known that I have no intention to hurt or insult anyone within eye-shot of this post:

    For starters, I admire your honesty Kaira in reference to the cruises in question, and why it is both men and women choose to attend. I have not been on any of these cruises, but your assessment lines up pretty well with the testimonies of both the women and men that have. Rather than starting your blog by skewing your audience with hostility, you set up your argument very coherently, legitimizing your gripe with the antagonist. After the first few paragraphs your tone began to change, and I believe you began trying to sway your audience with an inaccurate portrayal of the guy in question. Other than petty name calling, the first accurate description you made about Tim is that he is an ex-marine. While I wouldn’t accuse you of insulting the military, you did however insinuate that somehow his time spent there made him somehow more likely to harm a woman physically. I believe the quote was

    “Because you like to remind people constantly, you’re a former marine, right? And a firefighter. So, you must have a ton of muscled power underneath your generic, “bro” wardrobe, right? So you could theoretically hurt us, if you really wanted to, right? Which it seems like you do.”

    From there, you took one of his facebook posts (completely out of context) and posted it below your comment as if to help cement your point. Nowhere in that post did he ever allude, or condone violence any way towards women. To say that this guy reminds women he is a marine to intimidate them is irresponsible, and misguided: You don’t even have to know him like I do to see that. I could go on and on and poke holes in a lot of what you said, not only as his friend, but as a general observer of your blog. I’m just going to sum of all of this up by giving you my most honest response: You came off extremely bitter here. You sound like someone who is put off (not only) with Tim’s mindset, but by the fact that you feel he rejected you in some way. I know you will snap back and laugh at my assessment, but if there wasn’t some truth to what I said, you never would have bought up the fact that you didn’t feel you were the right type of girl to be friends with him on Facebook. That whole part of your story was irrelevant, otherwise. You can continue to write blogs like this about him or others like him, but I’ve seen a thousand like you before: You don’t attack to enlighten, or for the betterment of the female population; you attack because you were personally offended. I understand your motivation, and I am truly sorry if you felt that way, but take my advice: “If you do nothing, but constantly fuel your own agenda, no one will care about what you have to say. God bless, and have a nice day!

    • Kaira says:

      Dear Mansplainer,

      I mention his status as an ex-marine only to make a point about muscles. I didn’t link the marines thing to the violence. Just to muscles. And then I went on to say that muscles indicate he could theoretically hurt us. You know, because of physiology. Women feel the danger of physical harm whether or not a man explicitly says it. If you remember, I cited “rejection rage”, which is a thing that happens in real life. Face to face. And can get VERY scary. I can assure you that I did not feel rejected by Tim. I was making a joke. I interject my perspective into my blog because it’s my blog and it’s FROM my perspective. TBH, I just wanted to use the phrase, “lift your dick”. I had very limited contact with him, admittedly. But that limited contact was enough to get a cursory idea of his personality. Thank you so much for employing the “two positives and a negative” tactic, though. I feel sufficiently coddled. You’re right about one thing, though. I’m put off by Tim’s mindset. This has little to do with who he does or does not want to sleep with, and everything to do with his suggestion that people seek out and prey on “NKOTB fans” because we’re “in heat” right now. I’m put off by rape culture, and its perpetuation. And by your apparent lack of reading comprehension.

      Thanks for stopping by!

      • Ashlee says:

        Kaira, your agenda is not off track. People are listening. Keep up the hard work and good writing. I don’t really need to hear another man’s viewpoint about mine and other women’s experiences. As, surprise, surprise, I’ve already been there, done that. Make your voice heard lady! Oh, and peace be with you.

      • Jane Don't Need Your Opinion Thanks says:

        Oh dear it’s months later and I’m just finding this and can’t restrain myself.

        My only point: John Bro, excuse me, Doe. You assert that firefighter Tim never said anything violent. I refer you to the post pictured above in which said firefighter correlates getting women to sleep with him (or other men) with hunting. When you go hunting, do you stare at deer and respectfully comment on how they look or how smart they might be? No. You lurk in the woods waiting for them, then kill them. So not only does it dehumanize the HUMANS he’s talking about, but ya know…not entirely void of violence. But thank you for letting us know how wrong we are about the fears or apprehension we may have based on our everyday realities. SUPER helpful.

  13. Sarah says:

    I ❤ you so much! Seriously though, what a dickbag! Definite case of “short man syndrome”!

  14. Angelina says:

    Tim can’t stick up for himself so he sends in his weasle of a friend to do it for him. Sad. Let’s not forget Tim nor his fb post would even be circulating had he not posted such filth. It’s not the first time I’ve seen him post nasty comments about his disdain for women and I msure it won’t be the last.

  15. Justafriend says:

    Just was stumbled upon this article and it’s quite funny because I know the “gruesome twosome” quite well. I had the pleasure of meeting Tim about 8 years ago. We formed a friendship since day 1 and he’s been the epitome of a gentleman ever since. He would never treat a woman poorly. It’s sad that someone needs to write a blog about him for reasons unknown. Using his private Facebook posts when you aren’t even his friend on there is just comical. Did you have someone stalk him for you? I think if someone needs to attempt to insult people they barely know, they need to reflect upon themselves and figure out why they themselves are so negative. I expect negative feedback on this post, but as a friend of his I feel obligated to let the truth out. He’s a gentleman and always will be. Have a great day.

  16. Deanna says:

    I personally know both men you speak of and well I find your view on them completely distorted. They are great guys. You should truly stop exploiting nonsense from someones private wall. How is this even fair. Defamation at its finest right here. Sounds like someone was shot down pretty hard and is bitter…

    • Ally says:

      I have to wonder – why is it that if a woman is not a fan of a man, it’s that she was ‘shot down’? You’re perpetuating the stereotype that women exist merely to be sexual objects.

      But we’re not objects. We’re human. Just like men.

      This dude is – and was – a douche to the women on the NKOTB cruise. Since then, he’s posted on Facebook about his obvious disrespect for women. That’s a fact.

      And, whatever you may think about his so-called ‘private’ posts being shared publicly as being ‘unfair’…welcome to the future. The internet is written in ink and there’s no such thing as privacy.

      If you’re his friend, maybe talk to him about not perpetuating rape culture?

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