Let’s see if I can write this next installment as if I’m still unaware that Donnie knows about this blog. Strap in, it’s going to be a long one.
Sunday after finishing our photo-op while it was still late morning, Rae and I realized that we had several hours before anything was happening, so we napped, which is what you do any time you KNOW for a fact that the New Kids are otherwise occupied. It’s a safe zone. I actually had slept a bit the night before, so my nap was short. I wandered up to Lido to find Jenn and Ana, still in my blue dress, blueberries out.
I hadn’t eaten anything since the ill-fated steak the evening before, but that was no longer in my body. It came out the way it went in. I grabbed a plate full of only fries, to test the waters. I was still pretty shaky, but you know the saying, “fries before dry-heaves”. I’m pretty sure that’s the phrase. Jenn was sitting with a yummy looking Rose Tours security guy, so I joined them to tentatively nibble at my fries and butt into their conversation. Since I’m changing names, let’s call this security dude uh…”Raul”. We were laughing and eating, I was constantly tugging down the sides of my way-too-short-for-daytime dress and over-sharing as usual. Then uh…”Roberto” joined us. As did Ana. And Rae. And uh…”Franklin”. It was a party. And then for some reason the subject of pubic hair came up. Maybe I brought it up. I probably did. But soon I was talking about my “full 70s bush” and Raul and Roberto were piling money on the table in a bid to see what is apparently rare among our generation. Roberto was eyeballs deep in a flirt-fest with Jenn, and Raul was talking up a storm to Ana while Franklin giggled across from Rae. And there I was, weirdly describing my downstairs, without a flirt-partner at all. Go figure. I’m just kidding. Raul DEFINITELY wanted to bone me. He said. But that seemed kind of icky, so I pretended I didn’t notice.
It was raining. A lot. There was supposed to be an acoustic concert out on lido that afternoon, to fill time between photos and deck party. But not in the rain. The lido deck was flooded, and Carnival employees were doing a constant, choreographed squeegee dance to keep the water at bay. I choked back several hundred Titanic-related jokes and wondered out loud what the hell we were all going to do with ourselves with no scheduled events for hours, immediately as Donnie got on the loudspeaker to announce that the guys would be “popping up” around the ship for selfie opportunities in the down time. Fools. For lack of anything better to do, the girls and I went back down to deck 7 to hang out in our cabins. At least, we thought that’s what we were doing. Once we stepped off the elevator and saw an enormous crowd of ladies waiting hopefully for a selfie-tunity, we changed our minds. It was swamped. A line formed. Donnie was out, passing out selfies like Oprah with book club stickers. But, you know. I don’t like standing in lines.
I lost track of Rae (or maybe I just have a fuzzy memory) but I do know that Jenn and I were basically just wandering the ship. Everyone was grumpy and touchy. It was a strange vibe. You can’t leave that many single-minded women to their own devices all day. It’s…sticky. We ended up back on Lido, ran into Raul again and tried to catch an elevator down to the casino, you know, just for funsies. But instead of a clear path, we encountered a clusterfuck selfie line. Again. And the elevators on our side of the line wouldn’t open, but the elevators on the other side of the madness were. So there we were. Jenn and I. Standing inadvertently behind Donnie as he snapped pic after pic with windblown fans. Us, trying to communicate to Cory that we needed to get past everyone to jump in an elevator, but in turn, just sort of getting in the way. Donnie shouted back, “You guys are photo-bombing everyone’s selfies!” and I said, “Oh. My. Gawd!” before we both ducked into some finally-opened doors. Then, of course, we collapsed into a fit of giggles because Donnie yelled at us. It was like getting in trouble with the hot principal. In like a Degrassi episode. Not porn. I promise.
There was a moment when I waited in the lounge on deck 3, because Andrea Barber had tweeted that she’d be down there if anyone wanted to chat or grab a selfie. I love her, so Rae and I waited down there for quite a while. You know, nonchalantly. In my head, she’d be sat at the bar, casually, and I’d plop down next to her and we’d strike up a hilarious conversation and be best friends forever. But you knew that. I want to be best friends with everyone. I’m a bestie whore. What actually happened was every single blockhead who was done with the photo-op, standing in a massive selfie line for Andrea. I’m sure you know that I couldn’t bring myself to stand in line. So I didn’t. We left. Of all my missed selfie-tunities, this is the one I’ll regret the most. I really need to redeem myself for that time I saw her in Vegas and took a selfie in which I look very scared of her.
Joe graciously filled some time by doing an impromptu concert in a small lounge area, but by the time I got there, it was way too crowded and I couldn’t see anything but the backs of people’s rain-frizzed heads. Pretty much the theme of my trip. So I left. I heard a rumor that Jordan was also supposed to perform, but every time I walked past the jam-packed area, Joe was still singing near a piano. Like, literally for hours. He just sang. For hours. That Broadway baby really does love the spotlight, god bless him. I know the feeling, Joe. I know the feeling. Donnie’s poker tournament was coming to a head in the casino sometime around 7:30, so Rae and I made plans to meet there. If only to stand at a distance at watch Donnie do things. That seems creepy in retrospect, but it’s literally why people go. To just like, watch Donnie be Donnie. Watching poker is not fun. You can’t see anything and it’s not like there’s a play-by-play. I didn’t last long there either. I was antsy. It was my last day and I was finally feeling human again. I needed some action!
Instead of finding action, I took another nap. Listen, I’m unpredictable. I said to “strap in”, didn’t I? I was doing my best Rae impression, sleeping on my back, when she walked into the cabin with Z, saying, “see, she’s awake. It’s fine.” Z wasn’t able to get off the boat in Cozumel, so Rae gave him some extra souvenirs she had bought so his kids didn’t think he was a huge jerk of a dad when he got home before disappearing out the door with him again. So thoughtful. I’m not keen on dads (daddy issues) so I was indifferent. I’m sorry I said the word “daddy”. I’ll just say “zaddy” from now on. But it’ll be a vastly different context. Anyway, we were all a little worried that the lido deck party would be cancelled because of the storm, but were reassured by Z that Donnie himself said they wouldn’t cancel. And, as I was publicly told this morning on Twitter, Donnie doesn’t lie.