Megan was learning the non-stop ways of the cruise very quickly as I dragged her along to the next event after Sail Away. We did stop in our room to freshen up and make use of that $80 bottle of mediocre vodka I had purchased before heading up to the first theater event of the weekend, but there’s only so “fresh” I can get when I’m sweating constantly and aging by the minute. I mention the cost of that damn bottle of vodka every year because every year it annoys me. I need it. I can’t navigate a world where there’s no room to breathe and everyone is after the same thing without it. It helps my face be (moderately) friendly. But damn. $80 and it goes so fast when you don’t sleep. But I do it for all of us, really. You’re welcome.
We managed to find our way to the theater, and with all the excitement of getting on the boat, I hadn’t even looked at my bracelet to see where our seats were. I was pleased to see that they were on the floor, but not so pleased when I sat down in row N, the 2nd to last row that sits under the balcony overhang. But hey, you might be thinking, didn’t you have obstructed view last year? Surely this was better. Don’t worry, friends. There was once again a giant pole in between our legs. But like, too big to be fun. You know. Blocking our view, not sexing us up. No problem. No problem. We could just stand up with everyone else, and simply look around the pole. Easy. Except. When we stood up, all we saw were crotches and thighs and a whole lot of ceiling. Which wasn’t actually terrible when I pointed my eyes at Joe, because there he was without pants, again. I don’t know why and I won’t ask because Joe in his tighty whities was literally the saving grace of Game Show night.
When I say Game Show night, I mean “Game Show” night because boy, was that term used loosely. The guys all looked mildly panicked, like they had just been asked to deliver a book report on something they hadn’t read. Or even heard of. And that book was called “Charades”. None of them seemed to know how charades worked or whether or not people from the crowd were supposed to play. It was a mess. Usually when New Kids things are a mess, they’re an adorable, charming mess. Like when Joe talked at length about his longing to blow a dude in 2016, or when Jon tries to do the YMCA. This just seemed wholly unplanned. Or maybe I just couldn’t see the planned parts. Maybe they had their shit together for Group A. Maybe somebody googled “charades”.
Megan bailed for most of this show, to wander and gather her thoughts or to sleep upside down like a bat or whatever it is she does when she’s not in front of my face, so I relied on the ladies behind me for entertainment and a snark two-way road. They kept saying to each other everything I was thinking to myself (and jotting down as notes for this blog). I don’t know their names, (but I do know that they are @dewswaterbottle on social media). One thing I will say, is that the guys seemed to know that what was happening was sad and cobbled together. At one point, Joe shouted, “You’re just cheering because I put my hands up and you saw my balls!” Which was funny, but questionable. I’ve never once cheered for balls. Dicks? Sure. As long as I asked to see said dick. But balls? Don’t think for one second that even Sexy McSexerson Joey McIntyre has cute balls. But like. I’d still look. I just wouldn’t cheer. I don’t mean to be a complainer, but there was so much not happening on stage that it was getting dangerously close to when Joe literally meditated silently for 5 minutes onstage last year. NOT AGAIN! There were several moments of clear self-awareness, however, which the guys are always good for. Joe mentioned how the show was on life support, and Donnie gave a sarcastic recap of the evening that out-snarked even me. But you guys. Joe is genuinely funny. Like. I am a comic. A stand-up. I hang out with comedians almost exclusively. And he’s fucking funny. I love/hate it because it makes me believe in fate. My 4-year-old self could sense a connection even in 1988. (I usually keep the thirst in check but he looked GOOD this year. Better than normal. Must be all the meditation and airing out of balls.)
Megan popped back in long enough to say, “Wow, Danny is completely hairless. He looks like hardwood floors.” which made me laugh out loud and probably spit out some precious, precious vodka. I did tell her that Donnie is also hairless, and wondered out loud if that made him hardwood floors as well, or more like a tasteful porcelain tile. I personally prefer a nice Berber carpet. Like Joe. Then we made our way out of there and got our hands on some After-Party bracelets. The kind that gets you in all weekend but looks a little like a hospital bracelet, which is actually appropriate considering I likely need medical attention after partying that hard for that long. How did we get them? Magic, probably.
Did we ever eat? I honestly couldn’t say. We may have eaten before the game show, but probably not. I just looked at the itinerary and there doesn’t seem to be time. I don’t see us eating before the lido party either, but we must have at some point. I’m a fat lady. I like eating. But I also like attention, so it stands to reason that we would just haul ass back to our cabin to get dressed for the Valentine Girls deck party. We had grand plans that involved gore makeup and a badass cupid costume that we quickly abandoned when faced with the reality of wearing those things in public, and ended up in our uniform of all black with a pop of red to fit the theme. Because we’re SO cool. But really because we’re so unprepared.
I try to keep these at around a thousand words apiece for attention span reasons, so, this is it for now. Keep following to read about the first theme party and everything else that happened on this crazy cruise adventure. It only gets wilder.